“Start again.  Start again.  With a cleeeaar and quiet mind….”

Every morning I awaken with Goenka’s voice reminding me it’s a new day, no need to hold on to the past.  Start again.

And I do.  I lie there for a bit and scan my body.  I observe how I’m feeling physically, emotionally…and I’m making time again for my abhyanga A3little routines…even if it’s just 5 minutes here, and ten minutes there…and I can feel the benefits of each of them.  How it clears my head, soothes me, gets the blood and air moving.

But still there is a sadness present and with just £2 left of my overdraft…a sense of fear.  It’s a weird situation to be in, and not like anything I’ve ever experienced before.  I have a number of things lined up that fill me with excitement and just I don’t know…exhiliration…and like this is it!  This is the beginning of the life I want for myself!  I’m learning each day, I’m excited about what I do, and the money side of it just doesn’t feel important to me.

But, in terms of meeting basic living needs and starting to plan for my future, I feel a great sense of frustration and well – its scary isn’t it?  When you don’t have a regular income and have debts to pay, and there’s this whole life out there that you feel shut away from, through lack of financial means…it can become overwhelming at times, and like there’s no way out.

I have been looking for part-time work to take the pressure off, for many months now, but its tough out there.  Much tougher than I could have anticipated and over time it plays its toll on your confidence and sense of self-worth.

This path is a difficult one.   When I was scanning my body this morning, and observing my emotions, my current psychological state – even though it was a new day I still felt sadness, I still felt the weight from the financial pressure and current uncertainty.  I still felt frustrated and scared.  But, I also felt ok with all of that.  Like I’m still making progress.

In the past I’ve viewed my personal feelings of discontent and being in a dark place as a failing, as a weakness, as an unattractive feature.  And suddenly that’s not there anymore.  Perhaps this is one of those moments where the Vipassana training is starting to reveal itself.  I am starting to manoeuver through difficult times with awareness.  I am conscious of how I’m feeling, and I’m ok sitting with it.  I’m ok with the heaviness that lies on top of me as I fall back into Savasana.  I’m ok with telling my friends, without shame, that I’m feeling a bit down about life in this moment.

I’m nearly 31 now, I’m living with my mum, I’m still single, and have £2 left of my overdraft.

I’m aware that this is all about perspective….

Goenka described Vipassana as optimism with hard work.  The glass is not half-empty; nor is it simply half-full.  In Vipassana a glass is half-full – so I  better get working to get it to the brim.

So I’m 31 in just under 3 months.  I’m working hard already – with the massage and the search for part-time work so who knows what will happen.

Living with my mum has been an amazing experience.  Its bringing us closer together and there’s more to be done.

me and pedro 2I’m single, but there is a guy out there who I’m in love with.  I just know I can’t be with him because of all these lessons I’m yet to learn.  All these experiences I’m yet to have.

And as for those £2.  Well money isn’t why I’m on this path.  Money has never been a driving force for any of my life choices thus far, but it’s only by going through this most recent phase that I’m beginning to identify, and observe the power having no money has on me.  It is a form of authority that I must relinquish.  It is associated with my father,  which I must relinquish.  It is associated with unhappiness, which I must relinquish.  And when Goenka says that we must work hard in order to get the glass to the brim…that’s about identifying and facing up to the hurdles we come across, the demons we dredge up.

So I’ll sit with this downtime for a while and watch how it manifests.  As long as I start each day with a calm and quiet mind and don’t hold on to anything – then I’m doing the work that needs to be done.

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