Its been weeks since my last blog.  So long I don’t know where to start…

Last time I wrote it was something about getting out of my head and into my body.  Having a mild panic attack about all that lay ahead.  The uncertainty, the chaos – the AHHHHH – I’m starting my life over, and the reality of it was scaring the shit out of me!

Its been just over a month, and the course is done.  A practical session, written exam and two case studies recklessly written up, with so many questions still…so much more to learn.  I displayed true Vata tendencies and went through the nerve-fraying roller-coaster of self-doubt, stomach cramps and forgetfulness.  But for the first time in my life I think I had actually succeeded in getting out of my head – and into my body.

In the weeks running up to the exam, I had acquired clinic space, thanks to the supreme generosity of my teacher, and through some sort of Wayne’s World fateful – “If you book them, they will come” –  scenario I had a long list of diverse and willing guinea pigs to practice on.

I loved it!  First, second, third session, there were some teething problems and noticeable gaps.  I needed a travel clock to keep track of time, some hippy music to set the tone.  Some food to give me energy between sessions, a stash of herbal tea in the cupboard, and to study up on dosha-specific symptoms.  What marma points did what EXACTLY?! And with each session that passed I gained in confidence.

Its amazing what you can pick up from people in those first few minutes of meeting them.  The levels of energy, the rapidity of speech, the focus of the eyes – steady gaze, or erratic glances, the hair sleek and tidy, or untamable.   Mismatched outfits, or fashionable and smart.  All of which are clues as to what their constitution will be, what ailments they may be experiencing, imbalances they want to pacify.

And then there’s the consultation.  Informal chats about lifestyle and health.  More clues, more hints…but some of them are confusing, and don’t quite fit – are challenging to those initial conceptions.  Confidence falters ever-s0-slightly – but I know its ok…its good to not be sure…because you mustn’t be sure – people and their environments are always changing.

Get to the massage itself and the confidence returns.  It’s a meditation.  An exchange of energy.  Room is warm, oils burning, and the core muscles are strong as you move from one side of the table to the other…maintaining the rhythm.  Thought has gone…and you begin to follow your intuition.  Sense tense areas, see how the oil absorbs, or doesn’t into the skin.  Feel sensations at certain points….always transferring energy.

It’s the massage itself where I feel most comfortable.  It’s the first time in my life that the doing feels more comfortable than the thinking.  In fact, it’s a trend that began further back.  It’s when I started to practice yoga, and learnt quite early on that no amount of reading could fast-track the process, or – through fear of failure – disguise any weaknesses.

Metaphysical SymbolsMy exam is done, and now I wait for my results.  Business plan-steaming ahead, website nearly done (http://www.ayurvedacorner.co.uk/), brochures designed and tester business cards in the post.  Steamer and carbon paper on order, I’m continuing to practice with clients/case-studies, trainee insurance procured and saved in a file with all of my business receipts.  Every day – there are more things to think about, to organise, to settle.  But, there is no sense of urgency or panic.  Its like I’ve been able to take a step back and just move naturally through the process.

I know it will be slow, and there are all the chances in the world that it may not work out, that it may not bring in a sufficient income…but there are all the chances in the world that it will work out.  As this year draws to its end, and I look back at all the shifts and changes on the physical, material, emotional, and esoteric levels….Despite STILL being 30, single, technically jobless and homeless….I am STILL happy.

There are certain things that worry me or bring me down every now and again.  The fact that my yoga practice has waned.  There just isn’t the physical space to do it.  The fact that I can feel overwhelmed at times by this sense of being very much alone.  I haven’t built up a network just yet, or established myself in Brighton or Eastbourne, or anywhere for that matter.  Friends are sparse and far away.  I miss the shala, and having a teacher to talk to on a regular basis.

But with all these things that creep about in the back of my mind, and sometimes wear me down, I’m beginning to see the lessons I’ve learnt from the past year come to the forefront.

Anicca, anicca.  Nothing is permanent.  Everything is changing, always.

This is my body, and this is real.  The only reality and truth you’ll ever really know is within yourself, and in your body….NOT the ego.

And with everything fluctuating – the anxiety and fear to excitement and happiness, the loneliness and isolation to those flashes of a much deeper connection to everyone….every time I return to this is my body and this is real.  It feels right.  It feels natural.  And I guess, in the grand scheme of things – that’s all I really need to guide me in the right direction.

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