There was a point, maybe 2 months ago, when I had to make a theoretical choice.  I was to keep plugging away at the job market, applying to every charity I’d ever heard of, exploring entry-level digital roles here in Brighton, anything….anything that would block out my days from 9-5 until I had enough money together to pay off my (ironic) career development loan, and get me on a flight to India for the yoga teacher training course in 2014; or I could take a step back and look at what makes me happy now…not what I need to do to be happy 2 years from now.

That choice set me free.  This massive weight seemed to slide off my shoulders and the possibility of so many things rushed through me.  It felt right in my very core, like I’d hit a truth so deep, I can’t believe I’d been ignoring it all this time.  And theoretically, I still feel that way.

But practically, the nerves are beginning to fray and the reality of what lies ahead has given me a bit of a jolt.  I think we each have our purpose, our drives, our needs, our paths in life that if we fulfill make every moment happy.   And when we come to that point in time when we consciously step onto it, we celebrate and mourn.  Mourn, for the life we’ve led up until that point, and all the expectations for our futures that must pass away.  We celebrate, for the first time it seems, what suddenly is, and not what should, or ought to be.  But then,  we realise that whilst our hearts and our spirits have already crossed over into that place, we have to drag our physical selves over to it in order to make it an experiential reality.

And that, I’m discovering, is a bit like strapping yourself into the most menacing, high-reaching, twisting, inter-galactic roller-coaster, and just as the belt locks, you think, “SHIT!”   What about…..Can’t I…..What if….How about….AHHHHHHH!

I’m two weeks into my Ayurvedic massage course.  I have 5 weeks left until I qualify, and in that 5 weeks I must:

  1. Find somewhere to live
  2. Find a home for Lady MacBeth
  3. Learn a HELL of a lot about an ancient science that precedes anything I’ve ever known
  4. Draw up a business plan and put it into action
  5. Recruit guinea pigs to practice on
  6. Sort out a place in a clinic to practice
  7. Create a website
  9. Study my arse off
  10. Learn the sanskrit
  11. Find and maintain my balance
  12. Try and maintain positive relationships with those I love and care about
  13. Understand taxes and insurance, etc etc etc…

And with all this going on in my head, the most important thing is to remember to live in the moment, and to enjoy!  I had a bit of a kick up the arse last Friday.  The morning session went well, but by the afternoon, I don’t know what happened to me.  I lost my focus, I was feeling a bit tired, and I think some stuff had come to the surface.  We massage each other for a few hours each class for practice, so anything that’s dormant, or hiding gets drawn out and I was caught off guard and was put back into line with stern words.

It really hit something in me.  All the fears, all the doubts, and insecurities flooding into my reddening cheeks, and stinging the back of my eyes.  I went quiet for the rest of the day and felt a bit shell-shocked….this is it!  This is real!

I don’t even know if the words were stern, or whether I was just in a hyper-sensitive place, but whatever it was – it was needed.

That night I sunk into the deepest sleep I’ve ever had.  I dreamt of people who have inspired me, and heard kind words from each of them.  Words of encouragement.  Not just to stay on this path…but to write about it too.

When I woke up I wrote down each of my fears, and looked right into them one by one.  What if I’ve got it wrong?  What if my teacher got it wrong, what if she was wrong to see this in me, what if I disappoint her?  What else is there?

I don’t necessarily have the answers for all of these, but what I do have is the strength and the resilience to ask.  I need to be able to challenge myself, and be challenged.  I need to be able to look into myself and feel these fears, experience them, and then let them go.

My biggest barrier is to get out of my head and into my body.  I think back to Bali when I arrived at Radha and Prem’s shala.  The two months of dismantling my ashtanga practice and building it back up from scratch.  The repetition of each posture…over and over again.  Surynamaskara A 8 times, Surynamaskara B 8 times….back to the start.  Doing it over and over, and then onto the next block of asanas.    Slowly building, slowly adding.  Mentally – I’m a quick learner.  Quick to learn, quick to forget.  Physically – I’m slow.  But once its in my body, I never forget.  Once I stop thinking, what’s next, what’s next, worrying whether I’ll get it wrong or not, and start feeling the rhythm, the flow of energy and breathe….then just like my yoga practice, the massage will come.