So I went to my Ayurvedic appointment.  Empty bag of neem to hand, just to prove I’d managed to get through the whole thing.

“Hats off to you…” she said.  Not many people manage to stick with it.  I went through my physical symptoms first, and then onto the emotional ones.  The sense of hopelessness, of no-direction.  I’m living in a vacuum!  I don’t know where to turn!

She let me cry a bit, and then asked me, “when you cried, did you cry for that specific situation…or was it for something more…”

I flashed back to the scene in the shower, shaking all over, crouched in the corner, sobbing my heart out about everything…about society, the world, how can we all live like this?  So much stress, so much “business”.  It’s not real!

“Something more” I said.

That’s good.  It means that everything is coming up to the surface.  The deepest things that you push down and forget about are stirred and there’s no running away from it.  You have to face it.  I was facing up to things from my childhood, the breaking up of my family…the strong sense of inadequacy and never being good enough.  When I’m standing here and talking about it, I can see how childish those feelings are…and yet, when they come to the surface you experience them with that same impenetrable intensity of when you were a child.  It’s all consuming…it makes you feel hopeless.

I take great comfort from knowing that in experiencing all of that again, I am finally letting go.  Letting go of things you’ve been holding onto for all those years, through adolescence, into adulthood.  You don’t even know it’s there, but it’s weighing on your relationship with yourself, and inevitably your relationships with others.  The men you’ve loved, who you never felt quite good enough for, the dickheads you settled for…the surprise and disbelief when a good man, an honest and loving man believes that you are wonderful…just as you are.

I’m continuing with the neem for another fortnight.  My tongue is almost clear…its doing a good job.  But she’s given me this jam thing which I take after 2 meals a day.  Half a teaspoon in half a cup of hot milk.  It tastes sweet and nurturing.  Counteracts the bitterness.

She gave me some ideas.  Ayurvedic massage course?  Managing my own business?  I have a good heart she said, and I’m wanting to connect with something, but haven’t quite found that thing yet….(hmmmm)

She got me on the scales.  It’s the first time I’ve weighed myself since before the marathon.  I decided then that it was all a bit misleading.  The fitter I get, the heavier I get.  The smaller my waist, flatter stomach, feeling good = increase in weight.

I don’t know why.  I told her I’d be heavy.  I knew I’d lost weight.  My relationship to food has changed, and after this year of yoga and meditation, and shift in diet, there’s no way I could be heavier…surely!

But, no.  There the figures were.  “But you’re smaller than me!”  She said.  “How can you weigh that much more?  It doesn’t make sense!”

I shrugged my shoulders.  “Muscle?”  I tentatively suggest.  That’s what everyone else says it must be…Thank god for ashtanga, where flexibility AND strength are just as important as each other…

* * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * * *

A couple of days have passed, and I’m beginning to concoct a plan.  Am sending out emails to people who have inspired me and asking for guidance.  I’m scribbling numbers, and ideas, and targets onto blank pieces of paper, and I’m preparing myself for a conversation that may help me get there….

I went to sleep last night.  Barely hit the pillow before I sunk into an epic adventure.  I woke this morning and did some quick dream interpretation research.

Baby: innocence, warmth, new beginnings (I named her Bella)

Birth: giving birth to a new idea or project.  It represents a new attitude, fresh beginnings

Snakes: Either a hidden threat, or healing, transformation, knowledge and wisdom.

Mother: nurturing aspect of our own character

Father: authority and protection.  Need to be more self-reliant

Kittens: transitional phase towards independence; ready to explore new things that life has to offer.

Marrying (a dark handsome stranger): signifies commitment, harmony, or transitions.  You are undergoing an important developmental phase of your life…The unification of formerly separate or opposite aspects of yourself.  In particular – masculine and feminine.

I think its quite rare for ALL the elements of a night’s dreams to point towards the same thing: its a fresh start, get off your arse and start enjoying it!

So here we go.  A new day.  I’m going to roll my mat out and practice my yoga.  Not quite back to Primary just yet, but I’m feeling I want to be.  Then its time for some research, a revisit to my life plan, and a lunch meeting where I can discuss how I can make this actually happen….