It feels strange to write again.  My head’s still not very clear.

These past two weeks have been difficult for me.  My physical symptoms intensified to the point that I ceased my yoga practice.  Just for a few days, but long enough to feel that I need to be gentle in reintroducing it into my daily routine.  I’m still not doing Primary.  With my constitution the way it is, and all the Vata, Pitta, Kapha imbalances to address, I need to be grounding my energy.

Once the debilitating symptoms (headaches, nausea, dizziness) disappeared, a heavy cloud charged in and has parked stubbornly right over my head.  It coincided with the Olympics nearing its end, the weather turning shit again…and the British media reverting back to being miserable…I want to use the c word….but perhaps that’s just another one of my symptoms….

I have moments where I just get pissed off with myself.  Where’s my fing balance?!  How long is this going to take?!  How long am I going to be in this fucking vacuum?!  And then I feel despairing…that’s not very living in the now is it?  You have to accept your present goddammit!  Stop being such a dick!

Then I have moments where the voices stop and the negative energy lets up and I feel that rush of sensation.  Am I sensation chasing?  I don’t think I am.  The excitement I feel when it’s there is transient and I’m able to enjoy it in that moment.  I don’t mourn it when its gone….but I guess I do feel grateful that it’s still there.

My relationships with others is sometimes fraught, sometimes unexpectedly loving.  I feel my friendships deepening.  My connections to certain people getting stronger…others letting go.  Even the fraught moments are not a complete loss.  In those moments I’m in touch with my emotions, I make contact with them almost immediately and stay with it until its gone.  I have the occasional surge of fear and panic…but then two weeks ago, before I started this neem stuff, I was feeling fearless and strong.

I’m finding it difficult to separate what is my issue and what is somebody else’s.  It’s that ongoing battle of taking responsibility for your own stuff – no matter how defacing that can be, but not absorbing and feeling responsible for other people’s issues at the same time.

Responsibility for self, compassion for others.  It’s such a simple thing to live by, but only when you’re in balance.  When you’re balanced everything’s ok.  Everyone around you, no matter what’s going on, is a source of something good.  When you’re not, things start fraying at the edges and you get these horrible nightmarish glimpses of self-hate and anger manifesting itself in the words that are spoken, the actions that are taken…and I guess, most telling of all, in how you respond to them.

Something I keep telling myself, over and over, is that simple Goenka recommendation…”you can’t change others, but you can change how you react to them.”

I guess you have to use those reactions positively.  Learn from them.  This particular situation has created this emotion in me, and triggered a whole bunch of this, that and everything else, that is remarkably similar to this thing that happened x years ago.  OK, OK….that’s good – I’ve recognised a pattern.  I don’t need to analyse it or dwell on it – it’s not about that.  You take your focus off the situation, off that other person, and you stay present and experience your reaction.  Whatever emotion that may be.  In this particular instance its insecurity, self-doubt and fear.  So I stay with that, or at least I try to.  I feel it in my body, I observe it, and if I can do that it will disappear.  That particular “issue” of mine will be out of my system for good.  Except sometimes you can’t stay present with it.  In this particular instance I’ve taken some positive steps.  Recognised the pattern, am staying with my emotions…but only some of the time.  My ego is strong, and taking over.  Holding onto certain things and still triggering those past memories.

It’ll take time and practice this one.

Perhaps its something for my meditation retreat in November.

Ahhh, my meditation retreat in November!  Despite the prolonged and excruciating pain of the last retreat, (retreat feels like the wrong word…) I feel this tug towards it.  Like my being is preparing itself for some valuable time and recuperation.  It’s the silence.  The peace. Drawing strength from within, letting go of the chaos outside, and finding, or simply coming into contact with, your truths.   It’s the stuff that can’t be shaken, that can’t be taken away.  Its what’s universal.

So, despite this cloud overhead, the pause in my practice, and various confrontations and difficulties, it feels like maybe things are beginning to shift and turn once again.

The moon is waning, and my body is getting back in sync with that.  I meet with my Ayurvedic doctor on Saturday, and with just the residue left in that asterisk warning bag of neem, I can tell her I stuck with it…and who knows, maybe I’ve shed more than I’ve realised…maybe this is a bit of a turning point.

If not, ah well….at least I’m writing again.  Easing back in.