I wonder whether the greatest fear of a storm, is the loss of control.  In Nassau, when the warnings came for category 4, sometimes 5, hurricanes – we followed the same routine.  Garden furniture in the pool, coconuts cut down from the trees, masking tape crosses on all the windows, bath tubs full, stock of water, tins of food and candles in the kitchen cupboard.  Cats herded and secured (if they hadn’t run away already), batteries stocked up, visitors from low-lying parts of the Island coming to stay for a bit.  It was always a great debate….higher up with the worst of the wind, or lower down at risk of water surges and tidal waves.  All this preparation, knowing full well that when the winds began to gather their strength, palm trees bent double, and the power goes out – there’s fuck all you can do about it.

We were always ok.  The Bahamas is always ok.  No matter how treacherous the hurricane, the string of tiny islands off the coast of Florida always manages to pull through.  I wonder sometimes whether it’s that resilient attitude, that inherent acceptance.  We live in the Caribbean, we’re tiny islands, we can’t run away…so just get on with it.  No real dramas, very little coverage, reliant on the bigger neighbour to hype it all up.  The islanders just go quiet for a bit, keep their heads down, and when the worst is over, all pull together for a big clean-up.   Emergency supplies sent to the little ‘uns of Exuma and the Berry Islands.  Return to school and work in dribs and drabs, as the debris is cleared and flooding recedes.

It’s a bit of a wake up call, a bit of a reminder to us all, what a great power Nature is.

Makes the quiet, sunny morning feel like a fresh start.

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Considering I haven’t felt particularly connected to my “self”, my “being”, whatever it is you want to call it of late…yesterday was a bit of a resurgence.

I passed up my overdue mysore class at the shala at stupid-o-clock for a 90 minute meditation session.  I don’t need to be at the Oxfam book shop until 10, so I could just switch myself off and go with it for as long as I needed to.

Ordinarily I find it all a bit of a struggle, literally focusing on patch-of-skin to patch-of-skin.  To sweep:

sweep ‘en’ or ‘on’ masse – sweep your attention or move your mind through the entire mass of the body

a one-off that I daren’t consider could happen again for fear of cravings setting in.  Yet, yesterday that’s all I could seem to unwittingly do.  I can’t describe how it feels.  The warmth, the vibrancy of it, especially in motion.  Everytime I passed somebody on the street I would feel another surge, like I was plugging myself into them on some esoteric level.  It was a sensation I described in the past, where the physical body becomes nothing more than this framework, this vehicle, for something much more alive.   It was invigorating and exhausting all at the same time, like I was generating and dispersing, absorbing and expelling energy simultaneously.

I know it probably sounds like I’m crazy, or, as my trusted Quizzee boys stated, like I’m high.  And yes, there was a moment in the meditation centre when I thought that perhaps, just perhaps, that environmentally friendly water cooling-system, was in fact a drug that was causing us all to hallucinate and discover all these “outer”/”inner” body experiences…But this is 9 virtuous weeks later, and it’s still there.

I think that maybe, after all this time, I’m starting to find my balance.  Blind spots are coming into view, my fears and anxieties beginning to ebb.   I let a wasp land on my arm and the thought that arose above the initial “AHHHH!” was, no harm to others, no harm to others.  And maybe it was the process of going through a storm, facing up to it, like the Bahamians do, that’s landed me here.

Anicca, Anicca.  I remind myself.  This moment will pass again, this feeling of elation and connectedness, but alas, I know now that going through things like that are an opportunity to train the mind a little more, to find some deeper truths, and to enjoy, as I despaired – with consciousness, with awareness.

I woke at 4 this morning, and already the free-flow sensation had dimmed, but I settled into my meditation, and scanned my body with my mind, en-masse for a moment or two, and then back to the blind spots.  I practiced my yoga.  Moon sequence.  I’ve only done moon sequence for the past two weeks.  I’ve been needing something quiet, something grounding, something that I can close my eyes to and just feel.

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The sensations may have passed for now, but there is a pooling of inspiration…of creativity…of hope.

I emailed Matthew a couple of days ago:

If I look into my future (and I know that’s not very power of now), I can see happiness for me.  It’s this whole creating a new reality, a new world.  I know what that world looks like.  When we did our meditation and asked Divine it came back time and time again – to write and to teach.

I asked whether he would consider me as a student for his teacher-training course in 2014.

He said yes.  :  )

I know its far away, but my now is putting the building blocks into place.  Finding work that I want to do…that will help me get there.  Paying off my debts, signing on if I need to…I need to…settling into and developing my practice.  Exploring, learning, being happy in my now, knowing that this is all building towards an even happier future.

By the time I arched into my final backbend, I had my to-do list for the day scribbled onto a piece of paper, and perhaps, most inspiring of  all, I had ideas written down.  After I sign on, email some friends, catch up on CVs, I’m going to brush the dust off the cover of “First we Play Music” (my first real attempt of a book), and start again.

I don’t have to throw it away.  I don’t have to scrap it.  I just need a different angle.  Carry that original story with me, into something new, into something I’m starting to feel excited about….

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