Start again.

Day 6.  Start again.

I think one of the most difficult things to comprehend, or accept, is that those wonderful moments…those fantastical, ecstatic moments don’t really mean anything.

I went to see the teacher after that outburst of light, mainly because it had such a powerful impact on me that I had to share it with someone, and perhaps on some egotistical level, I thought that maybe I was…well not quite jesus…but a bit special.

So I sat cross-legged opposite him.  Bowing my head like a creepy Mr Burns.  Explained the light, the euphoria, the sensation of being elevated, what does it mean?  I asked, what does it mean?

NADA!  Anicca, anicca, remain equanimous.  It’s just a sensation like any other sensation.  It will rise and fall, and appear and disappear, make sure you don’t get attached.

Ok, ok.  I nodded my head in acceptance.  But what about the patches of skin?  I asked him.  I couldn’t feel just one patch of skin, my whole body, in its entirety was vibrating.

Sweep.  You are to just observe and sweep.  Observe and sweep.

How humbling this whole process was.  How difficult it was to not crave such a feeling again, but then I remembered all that pain it took me to get there.  It seems that I always fling from one extreme to the other…this great pendulum of emotion, and sensation, it’s always such a drama, so incredibly wonderful, or absolutely horrendous.   I was feeling a resistance to the whole thing.  Are we not meant to feel anything with any intensity anymore?  Is it all meaningless?  When we reach that equilibrium, that peace, do we no longer feel pain and suffering, or joy and ecstasy?

And what about my hip?  I didn’t ask him about that.  I didn’t explain the seven years of anger and my difficulties with Bhujapadasana, and Parsvakonasana….I got the impression that his answer wouldn’t change….

This noble silence was becoming a bit of a strain.

And so there I was…day 6, tucked confidently into half-lotus, with a semi-smug smile on my face.  Looked around me.  Counted 7 empty spaces.  Romeo had gone.  Four girls from the front, one from the side, and then that funny chap at the back who kept standing up mid-meditation.  Then I noticed a back rest.  Mmmmm, a back rest.  Muriel had acquired one about 2 days ago, and now they were springing up all across the hall.   Even the hot monk had one….Do I want one?

Truth is, I hadn’t given my back much thought…

“Start again”

I closed my eyes, started with the patch of skin on the crown on my head, and began the process of paying intricate attention to every part of my body.  Half an hour had passed, forty minutes, fifty, and still my hip was quiet.

My back was fucking killing me though…