I’M SO CONFUSED!!!  Head in hands, “Essential Ayurveda” spread-eagled next to me, ten web links bookmarked on my computer, Kapha lists of what to, and not to eat strewn next to the recipes with ingredients neither Tescos, nor I, have ever heard of.   It was at the yoga conference a couple of weeks ago when I realised that every yogi here is Ayurveda bilingual…except me.  What is this strange science?  Kapha, Pitta, dosha, Vata, agni…are just a few of the alien terms seeping into my vocabulary, and that, I realised, is just the beginning…

Have you ever heard of a blue hole?  These incredible, vertical caves that can sink to over 200 meters.  They preserve skeletons of the Arawaks and scientists are continuously discovering prehistoric fossils and creatures one would only expect to find in a film, like Avatar.  I went to see one once.  It was our grade 9 Abaco trip.  A whole year of 13 year-old’s fishing for sharks, running away from boars, climbing light-houses, and flirting with first-loves on the basketball courts before lights out…(yes – I had an amazing childhood).  The blue hole itself was absolutely beautiful.  Just look at it….

I’d never seen water that colour before, and it seemed a shame to disturb it with our adventurous bodies.  I was a strong swimmer at that age.   Competing in inter-school meets, and very much at home crashing out beneath the waves of Cabbage Beach, or snorkelling off the shore of Rose Island.  Yet this Blue Hole terrified me.  I remember being one of the last to leap in.  Its depths rendered it breathtakingly cold, and if you opened your eyes under water, it was as clear as the air above the surface.  I assumed a kind of suspended fetal position, clinging onto the rock-face.   The rock face that was so smooth to touch it soothed me.  Soothed me, to such an extent that before too long, my grasp began to slacken, and I could feel my legs stretching out behind me.  Tentatively, I rotated my body, and peeled myself off the wall.  Head above water I ventured towards the middle, with ungainly, doggy-paddle strokes.  My heart began to lift, the sense of adventure counter-acting my fears, and the beauty all around me embedding itself deep into my memory.  I started to laugh, and splashed about…with Philip I think…and in a moment of confidence I dived under water, and that was when the panic set in.

Darkness.  The water was so dark, and all I could see was the smooth rock plummeting into blackness.  I felt so small.  So unbelievably insignificant, that I clambered back to the edge, and waited impatiently for Mr Key to tell us it was time to leave.  I’m not sure if it was the unknown, the depths, or the striking awareness of self in the context of something greater that shook me to such a degree, but I remember, to this day, like it was just yesterday…Philip reaching out to hold my hand as he lifted me up onto the edge.  How I stood there for a moment, looking back, marveling at how extraordinarily wonderful it was.

The last few days have been quiet for me, because I have submerged myself into something deeper.  Ancient beliefs, and the science of being…not just for  humans, but animals and everything that is nature.  I’ve been given guidance as to what my constitution is – whether it be earth, fire or air.  Discussed the importance of balance, and symptoms of imbalance, and have had to ask myself so many questions…and that was when the panic set in.

I don’t feel like I’m me anymore.  I don’t feel confident in things that I would ordinarily take for granted, and all the traces of the positive steps I’ve taken thus far, seem to have been washed away by this great surge.

And then, just like all those years ago, a hand reaches out and lifts me up onto the edge.  He tells me its ok to be confused, and to not know all the answers.  He also tells me, I need to let go.

I think I’ll stand here a while, looking back – marveling at how extraordinarily wonderful it all was.