I finished yoga on Monday in record time.  It must be one of the few activities in the world, where to finish early is a cause of frustration.  You don’t watch the clock, you lose sense of time completely, but getting to the end and not feeling like you’ve gone to the end of the earth and back is…well disappointing I guess.  I’m still on pause.  My hips just aren’t giving in, and the sequence I’m up to is heavy on the knee.  All linked up around there.  Hip, knee, back…everything’s joined up somehow.  I think it’s a real test for me.  I am Daniel-son, washing the car every morning, trying not to notice all the exciting twisty, hopping, back-bending craziness around me.  Non-competitiveness doesn’t just happen over night.  You have to work at it, and the biggest challenge is with myself.  We’re meant to love our bodies, respect them, just as they are.  But, I’m feeling angry with my hip – I can’t help it.  It’s a bit like psyching yourself up and preparing for a long Sunday morning run.  You have the energy, the focus, the hunger for it….but then the track runs out at 10k.  Over and over again.

When I left Monday morning I was bounding up the steps, despite a good 10 minutes of Shavasana.  I wanted to put my trainers on and run up a hill, listen to the sound of my heart pumping, feel the power in my legs, momentum of my arms….I wanted to feel that adrenaline rush when you pick up speed, music thumping, lungs expanding…but that wouldn’t have done much for my hips now would it?

I’m not sure if these desires and thoughts are anti-yoga, or a mark of progress.  The energy generated by the last couple of sessions are like nothing I’ve ever experienced before, and I’m not sure whether that’s the result of quitting smoking (day 10 now), or the fact that I’m beginning to understand the breath and movement.

I feel frustrated with myself – for feeling frustrated, and tell myself off for being a petulant teenager.  I’ve got a lifetime ahead of me, what’s the rush?  Wasn’t it my eagerness to get on and do everything in one go that caused my running injury back in March?  Logically, it all makes perfect sense, so why is my heart feeling something else?

Is all of this, just the surfacing of emotions?  I had a chance to speak with Radha, and she reassured me that I’m at the right place.  With a month to go, I’ll get deeper and deeper into my practice and this stuff is going to come out.  Right now its in my hip, later on, it will be something else.  We continue to discover and release parts of ourselves, always.  I think that’s why Radha and Prem (I keep calling them Prada by mistake) are so ridiculously on it.  I listened to a radio interview with Matthew Sweeney once, and it came as no  surprise that one of the reasons he took up Ashtanga when he was a child, was because he wanted to become a Jedi knight.  Advanced practitioners do seem to carry that aura about them.  And Jedi’s are awesome!   Not like the yoga bunnies you seem to get a lot of around here… vacant smiles, eerie and expressionless eyes – taking themselves a little too seriously and giving us normal folk the creeps!

This morning, I couldn’t feel further from being a Jedi knight.  Try Daniel-son in first week of Mr Miyagi training, but with PMS and a touch of Bali Belly…URGH!

 

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