And finally, the spark of excitement flickers…

Today I pack, and in packing I think ahead.  What books should I take to read?  How many yoga vests will I sweat through in a week?  How many miles will I feel like running when the Balinese sun comes up?  Where are my flip-flops?  What songs shall I put on my playlist?

Already, the emotional knots I’ve been carrying are starting to unravel.  How many of those will be left behind, folded neatly with my winter clothes in the loft?

I’m starting to feel the tug of a highly anticipated freedom.  Looking forward to that moment when you’re strapped into your seat, the engines running, picking up speed, the thrust and rattle as the airplane propels off the runway, mechanically tucking away his feet.

I went to see friends in Brighton over the weekend.  Sitting by the window of a double-decker bus, I looked out to sea as we crossed the Seven Sisters and a break in the clouds appeared in the form of a perfect circle.  A tunnel of bright sun-light beamed down onto the water’s surface, not far from the stark white drop of Beachy Head.  It was like a window into what lies ahead.

A few hours later, I was  in a pub in the north lanes drinking Old Rosie and discussing my plans. First two weeks – sign up to the Yoga Barn, and try lots of different classes.  I need to rebuild my strength.  Then the month-long mysore-style classes with Radha and Prem.  A chance to finally learn the Ashtanga primary series from beginning to end.  Just in talking about it, I felt the tides turn, an excitement bubbling up, a smile so wide it made my cheeks ache.

I’ve been pretty hard on myself these past few weeks.  Asking those difficult, stomach-lurching questions that revealed some unhappy and cringe-worthy answers.

What a fool I’ve been.  How much time I’ve already wasted.

Today is the day, I put all of that to one side, confident that any residues will be flushed out in the coming months.  It might happen when I’m tall and steady in a headstand, or in a deepened backbend.  Maybe it’ll be through meditation, or in tasting new food, having a conversation with a new friend.  It doesn’t matter….today is the day that I get ready to start again.

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